The Words Behind Him

My mouth smells like him. My shirt clings to me and I can’t help but wonder if I left some of me behind on him as well. What if he went to sleep with my scent in his nose and he dreamt of something he could never utter again. I smell like him and I smile to myself because I feel like i’m the only one that knows what he smells like. I’m the only person that can tell if it’s him in the room with my eyes closed. and the lights off. and my lips slightly open waiting to either scream or smile. We never really know, me and him. He invited me over after he had his night out with a friend. And I couldn’t help but feel slightly excited. It had been so long. I’m the furthest from anyone’s fantasy, but it’s nice to feel wanted. even if only on cold drunk nights that are mishandled and full of laughter. WE always laugh, me and him. He opened the door and I walked on ahead, laughing at the thought of my visit, and knowing full well that he was beyond what he could handle. but thats better for me. i have the control. and i can make him realize that he’s gone. and that i’m the powerful one. and that i have the power of the decisions. even though i want him to take control. I walk up the stairs and he’s behind me, grabbing and touching and trying to pull me down there on the carpeted stairs. but i can’t. i don’t care if no one else is home, he has to wait and i have to be comfortable. he can’t always be the animal. he needs to be handled with care and i have to show him that i’m fully aware of what i just walked in to. right here, he says, and i shake my head silently, motioning for him to follow me into his pitch black room. everything is dark and only the faint blue light can be seen coming from the button on his desktop. I’ve always liked the way it blinks, so soothing and menacing, and nightmare inducing. but tonight it’s romantic, and everything is passionate and silent. not because of him, but because i make sure of it. i don’t want a spectacle, i just want to show him i’m in control. and so i am. and so i do. and so we are. and i come back the next morning early, smelling of him. and i can taste him in my mouth. and i can’t be bothered to ignore that i like it. and i want him to smell of me too. so we can have a silent marking of what happens when no one is around.